Graduation Blues. 

randomly looked up into the crowd on graduation night & spotted my parents. almost immediately tears filled my eyes. felt like I was going through my undergrad graduation service all over again. full of unwanted emotions. I had already spent the entire week before, crying. trying to wrap my head around what the fuck I was supposed to do w/ this fuck ass degree I was about to receive, why my family was so shitty & why no one ever supported me. here I was about to get not my first, but my second degree & not a peep from any of my aunts, uncles, brothers, grandparents, nephews, nothing. & its not like I expected much, but you know, the thought is nice. there was even a point where my dad had told me he wasn’t coming to my graduation either. “Are you sure you’re even graduating? cause I’m not coming.”, he said. “okay cool, you don’t have to come.” & that’s all I said about the issue. (thankfully, he did end up coming to surprise me.) most of everyone else (friends out of town & in town) that said they would come, didn’t. granted I know some of these bitches have lives of their own & major responsibilities or whatever, but it still sucked. & if that wasn’t depressing enough, a few of them who lived right here in Huntsville forgot! FORGOT! talk about depressing. that was literally one of the best feelings in the world & I say that with the most sarcasm imaginable. sighs.moments later I looked up into the crowd again & saw 3 of my friends, cueing the waterworks that followed. the only three people (besides my parents) that had shown up. thank God. this might have been the best part of my graduation. the whole thing. their presence made my heart smile & for that moment I didn’t feel as alone as I usually do.

but then I immediately felt ungrateful. ungrateful for feeling like no one was there to support me when I had all the support I needed. ungrateful for letting things I should be used to affect me like it did. ungrateful for not realizing what/who I had in my life. but honestly that’s how I usually feel. sad & ungrateful, ungrateful & sad.
as I lined up in preparation to walk across the stage to receive my fuck ass degree, full of stupid emotions, telling myself not to cry, that’s exactly what I did. Cry. & after accepting my empty degree holder & smiling to take a picture with the school president, I took my seat & cried some more. praying that the rest of the service would go by quickly so I could take my depressed/ungrateful ass home. I almost walked out, twice. the only thing keeping me was knowing my parents had flown all the way out here to watch me graduate & regardless of how I felt, watch me graduate is what I would make sure they would do. graduation ended & I was finally able to leave the same way I came, sad (+ an empty degree holder). Bliss.

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